Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

ㅤ

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?