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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet