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I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?