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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.