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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
You are what you delete.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.