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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.