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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.