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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo