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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space