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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If only
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
When someone says you are so lazy
