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sry
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Looking at you, Jesus.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend