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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.