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Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.