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Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
What the hell happened in there??
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”