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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall