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And bowling should be called pinball
Time heals everything 🙂
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now