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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar