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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention