You Might Also Like
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.