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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Good morning
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”