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Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
and now we wait
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
☠️ ☠️
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”