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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*