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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car