You Might Also Like
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage