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Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
A new level of troll.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.