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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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