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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him