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My dating profile:
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.