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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous