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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..