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my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101