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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Now who done made this a sport lmao
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches