You Might Also Like
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
This is me 🤣🤣
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!