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*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Real bees work best
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Mission: Impossible
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
“What movie?” 🤔
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?