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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Pass gas, not judgment.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.