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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
At least he brought enough for everyone
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
This is amazing.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Bruh PLEASE
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.