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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!