You Might Also Like
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Well, that didn’t work.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
10/10 no notes
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
sure, why not
