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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Bit chilly again tonight.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.