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My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
oh she’s cooked
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*