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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
This raises questions
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”