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Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Lmbo
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE