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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
all that yoga finally paid off
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.