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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Terribly Tuesday.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
#Caturday
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.