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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview