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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power