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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?