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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]