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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Mountain Goat : )
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”