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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.