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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Mountain Goat : )
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Happy Halloween 🎃
wish me luck lads
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired