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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
So sorry
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Morning all.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Can we not just call it Zealand now?