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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.