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people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas