You Might Also Like
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.