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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.