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Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
It was worth a shot 😂
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours