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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I had to Stop for this
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.