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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today