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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad