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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”