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If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Buck naked
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???