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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Me :
All Day At Night
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
my name if I was in the mob
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe