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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.