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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
just got my engagement photos
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge