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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
🙁
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m sorry…what?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.