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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes