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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.