87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Shortcut
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes