87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You Might Also Like
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.