Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Thinking about Jeff

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan