87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille