87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
This dude got his own movie?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
The smoothest fall of all time
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.